Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
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