Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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