The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
