I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
