does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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