i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
