If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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