You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
