I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
