I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
