this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize