I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize