whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
