Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
