I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize