you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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