Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
