And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
