omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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