i permit you to call me
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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