I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
