Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
