my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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