I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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