i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
