Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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