Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
