You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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