If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
