I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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