the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
