I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
