I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
