I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
