I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
