Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize