i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
