i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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