So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
