My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
