Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
