I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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