apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
