As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
