i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
