that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You may now shotgun with the bride
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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