I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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