Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize