I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Send help, water and tortillas.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
