I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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