is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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