thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
