I don't usually arrange sex via text message
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
