theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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