In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
