I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
