Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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