you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
