i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
