i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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