She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize